Fight or Flight?

[Warning: I might get a little bold here.]

Alright, you've decided to read on, I've warned you...

If you have been keeping up with my blogs for the last 2+ months, then you will know that I've been going through a particular "season" in life. I haven't really given any specifics as to what that season is, and I will choose to remain vague for the sake of protecting my heart, and not letting this blog become my online diary. Mondays usually have a rough start, but end on an extremely high note. For some reason, when I wake up on Mondays, I am reminded that while most of the rest of the world is starting their work week off, I am at home, jobless and have to face the fact that I am kind of in limbo right now. Thank the Good Lord for Monday nights, though. Every Monday night, I meet with three other wonderful, darling women, and we talk about life, Jesus and how the two go hand in hand. I always walk away feeling extremely encouraged, and enlightened. It's surely a blessing.

Today when I was getting ready to dive into my daily routine, (reading a chapter of the Bible - currently I am in the middle of 1 Corinthians, & I am going through the Epistles - the daily devotion from My Utmost For His Highest, and journaling) I was praying and asking God for some revelation as to what I am going through. It was a really neat moment, where I felt the Spirit speak directly to me. Lately I've been asking God the honest question of "why am I still going through this?". God reminded me of something today. This is usually the point of a tough season where I run, quit, flee, etc. Around the 2 month mark, when things get really difficult, I don't sit easy in it, and I take off. I've done it on numerous occasions. Up until this point, this season has proven to be extremely painful, but it has been manageable. Recently, it has felt like that, but on steroids. I've literally felt like I've had to fight to keep my head and heart above the surface, every single day. And, I hate it. 

I hate feeling like I have no control. 

I hate feeling like I am facing the flames just to get burned. 

I want that guarantee of happiness in the end, I want to know that I am facing the flames for a purpose beyond just gaining strength and character. 

That is the honest truth.

Then God reminded me, I am. There is so much purpose in this season that I am in. Right now, it's hard. Right now, I've more than likely just found myself in the midst of the worst of it. But this is the moment where I need to fight. So, what does that look like? That means facing everyday like it is going to be a battle, perhaps even a war. I need to be guarded, and strong. It doesn't mean that I can't feel, or that I can't experience sadness. It just means that I completely have to surrender everything to the Lord, daily, and mean it. 

I've never really made it to this point. By now, I would have already given up. And, although I think about giving up just about everyday, I refuse to. I still don't completely understand the purpose of all that I am experiencing, but I have learned to trust in God, not just with what I want to trust Him with, but with everything. 

God is doing some crazy, incredible things in my life, and it's because of this season. So, for what it's worth, it's been worth it. 

"Tell God you are ready to be offered; 

then let the consequences be what they may,

 there is no strand of complaint now, no matter what God chooses." 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

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I am not sure what you're experiencing, or what season you are walking through. But, I do know this. No matter what battle you are fighting, when you get to a point where you say to yourself, "I want to quit, this is not what I thought it would be, this is just not worth it." Sit in that, present that to God. Remember that you do not see where the road is leading, but be thankful that there is a God who indeed does. And more than that, all He wants is what is best for you. So, when you want to flee, instead trust & be still. And, when there are moments or days where you feel you don't have the strength to keep fighting, that is okay. Take heart:

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

 Exodus 14:14

Keep Fighting the Good Fight,

Brenda