How Much Longer?

Do you ever wonder why God allows you to go through such difficult seasons? Ever look up at the sky as you're driving and say, "Okay God. I get it now. I've learned everything You've wanted to teach me. Now, can You please remove this from me?"

I ask because, I'd like to think I am not the only one who does this.


Let me give you a little background information on my life as a believer.

I became a Christian when I was 12, and completely dove right into the faith. I wanted to know everything, I wanted to be involved with every ministry; I was young but so eager to learn. All throughout my teens and early adulthood, I continued with my faith, and it only became stronger & stronger. Looking back on those years, I can truly see how God protected me, guided me and blessed me so much. But, I always knew there was still more to learn, more to experience.

The last 2 1/2 years of my life have been like the world's longest rollercoaster, filled with twirlies, ups & downs, flips and bumps. I can confidently say that these last couple of years have been the most difficult of my entire life. There are many things I wish I would have done differently. And, I can look back and see where God was that entire time, and how He was trying to tell me things, but I would refuse to listen, and when I did listen, I didn't always obey Him. It was rough, and it was a battle.

Here I am now, and I can confidently say that I've never been this close to God. The interesting part is that my life is not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact, it's still difficult, but now that I am consistently walking and trusting in God's will for my life, it is a lot easier to persevere.

Now, back to my initial question. I think I just want to know that I am not alone in this. That there are other people out there that ask God the same questions. I don't want to be that person who smiles and says everything is okay, when really that is the farthest thing from the truth. I don't want to just go through the motions of life anymore, like I used to. I want to look at my battle and face it, head on. I spent so many years dancing around it, and searching for the quickest way to get over it, or cover it up. I don't want that anymore, because frankly, it sucks. It's damaging, and it really isn't worth it.

So, I've changed, a lot and for the better. I am proud, and I am so glad that I am finally here in this place. But, still. I find myself more often than not, asking God these tough questions. "Why? What? When? How long?" and I don't ask them in a calm voice, with an at ease heart. No. I usually scream them in my car, with tears streaming down my face and my heart racing faster than what my body can probably handle. This is something I used to refrain from doing, because I was always taught that we are to respect God, and have reverence for His Holiness. I completely agree and believe that to be true - however, I believe these "freak out moments" please God, because I am honest with Him. God does not want us to clean ourselves up before we come talk to Him. He wants our honest hearts, just the way they are. Because, it shows that we trust Him enough to be vulnerable. 

So, maybe I am alone in this. But, I hope I'm not.