the religious stigma

Journal Day Prompt from Dani of Sometimes Sweet

Would you consider yourself a religious person? Quite simply- what do you believe happens when you die? Have you always believed this? Do your current beliefs align with what you were taught as a child? And if not, what was the turning point? This week, talk about your religion or spiritual beliefs (or perhaps your lack of), and try to sum up, if you can, what you believe happens "next."



If I'm being honest, I strongly dislike the word religion. I, myself, am what Webster's Dictionary would define as being "religious", yet that word just sends such discomfort throughout my nerves. I don't blame religion, or faith, for those uncomfortable feelings. I blame those who use their religion to hurt others. Am I a person of faith? Absolutely. Am I a person who has dedicated their life to follow God. Completely. Does this make me a religious person? I suppose by definition, it does.

I was not raised in a home of faith. In fact, I was completely clueless when it came to religion at all. The first time I stepped foot into a church was when I was 12 years old. It was at that age that I made the life-long decision to follow Jesus Christ. If I'm being honest again, I didn't really know much about the commitment I was making. I didn't even know all that much about this Jesus I was claiming to follow. But, one thing I was completely aware of was that my heart had been transformed. There's another one of those words... But, it's true. Something quite unexplainable happened to me, and 14 years later, I still can't really explain it.

As I've matured in my faith, I have come to realize that not being able to fully explain who God is, is exactly the point. If we could explain the in's and the out's of who God is, and why He has done/is doing/will do things, then wouldn't that make us God? I am no Theologian (another one of those words...), but I have faith. My faith is something that will always be a part of my life, and that is because it is my life. 

I'm a person of faith, yet I am still a person. I'm not perfect, and once I realized God doesn't expect me to be perfect, life got much easier; my faith got much easier. I don't have all the answers, and there are seasons where I have doubts. I believe that is all a part of the meaning of life. Chase what you believe to be right, no matter who or what fights you on it. If you doubt, pursue that doubt until you've reached a conclusion. Don't believe just because you think it's an entry ticket into the afterlife. Believe because the only answers you find to the beauty and hope in this world point straight back to Something so much bigger than you & I. That's why I believe. 

If I could sum up what I believe in just a few words, I would say: 

Love God, love others. 

It's that plain, and it's that simple. Unfortunately, it's the people who take it so far past that, who end up giving this world a reason to hate religion.

[crazy love]

XO
Brenda

Worship Music

For the last two weeks, I've been listening to a lot of Worship music. I don't normally do that, not because I don't enjoy listening to it, but I guess I just think of it as something I listen to at church. For whatever reason, I felt compelled one day to put on Pandora "Hillsong" and have been pretty much doing that everyday, ever since.

It's interesting, I feel happier, more hopeful, more inspired in my day-to-day. I am able to listen to music at work, so I have Worship music flowing in my ears all day long. I am a music fanatic. I always have been. I love to watch, listen, play music. It's a huge part of my life and the person that I am. So, I have lots of artists and bands I enjoy listening to, even to the point where it's hard to make a decision on what I want to listen to. But, these last two weeks, listening to Worship has just been such an easy decision. I find myself not being so critical of the vocals, or the blending of instruments, but more so being open to the encouraging lyrics they produce.

Don't hear me wrong, I am not saying non-Worship music is bad, or that you should run out and buy the latest Christian artist, or anything of the sort. I am just simply saying that I've felt inspired. I believe Worship artists seek God for songs to write. I believe when writing Worship music, it forces you to connect to the God of this Universe, the very being that made you & I. Therefore, Worship is powerful, not because it's pretty & catchy sometimes, but because it is a melody of conversations between man & God. Beautiful. Powerful. Inspiring.

I just felt like sharing that with you all. If you are feeling like your weeks have been dragging, or music just is boring to you now, try listening to some Worship music. It may change it up for you, and it's a simple way to connect with God throughout your day.

XO

Brenda

Back & Better Than Ever

After much hassle (the good kind) from my boyfriend, Jamey, I've decided to blog again. I honestly never intended to take a "break", but I guess life just kind of got in the way. But alas, here I am, back & stoked on it.

My last post was over a month ago, and it was about losing a substantial amount of money, and absolutely despising my job as a Server at CPK. Well, many things have changed since that post, including my attitude.

I went through a pretty extensive interviewing process with Biola University, and ended up being offered a job as the Administrative Assistant for the Crowell School of Business. It all happened really fast, to be honest, but I was just so excited and surprised. I was one of 60 applicants, down to 10 of us being interviewed, then 5, then down to 2 and then I was offered the position. I don't say that for any type of bragging rights, but rather as a reminder for me to be humbled and grateful that the Lord provided me with this job.

Working for Biola University has been a desire of mine for quite some time now. It's a wonderful university, which many of my friends attended, and I've also known and know many people who work there. I've only ever heard remarkable things about being employed by Biola, so I knew that was the place I wanted to end up at someday. And now that I'm here, I couldn't be happier. I'm truly blessed.

My best friend & I celebrating my new job! Cheers!

[This was posted on the Biola Employee website!]

Another huge update since my last post is that I've recently moved out with two of my girlfriends to the sweet city of Orange. I've kind of been somewhat of a "nomad" for the last 7 months. Hopping from couch to couch, staying with family, staying with friends. It was far from fun, and left me feeling completely unstable (my car was a huge reflection of this too). We were just waiting for the best option to come along, and for me to save enough money. Once all of that took place, we immediately jumped on the great opportunity to move into these gorgeous apartments in Orange. It's been a little over a month since we've moved in, and still, everyday we are so happy to be here. This place offers us so much, and we for once, feel like we are at home. I don't think I'll ever get sick of living here, or even get used to living here. It's that wonderful.

So, there you have it - my two big updates. And, I have to admit, they are two of the best updates I have had in a long time.

A friend of mine asked me recently, how I was doing, in general, and I replied, "Perfect." And I mean it. No, life is not perfect, and I certainly am far from perfect, but I really have no complaints in this current season of my life. I know this won't last forever, and I'm okay with that, but for now, I will take it all in, and be so grateful for everything I have. I can look back on the beginning of this year and see how much of a low I was in and see where I am now, and know that God is completely the reason why I am here. What a faithful and loving God we serve!

I am excited to have a more consistent schedule now, so I can get back into the groove of blogging regularly.

I hope you are all doing well!

XO,

Brenda

Timeline of Testaments

For the last four months, I've mentioned this particular season of waiting that I have been struggling through. It has been painful, stretching and honestly life-altering. I didn't see this season coming when it did, and everyday since it has occurred, I have never been certain when or how it would end. I can't say that I am 100% certain that it has indeed passed, but I can say that I am seeing the end of it, and for that, I can only give glory to Jesus.

Once I realized I was in fact facing a difficult season, I knew that journaling about it was going to be necessary. I am SO grateful that I journaled daily through this process. There are entries of pain, of tears, of joy, of confusion and traced throughout all of these entries are prayers and requests to God. I would like to share with you a timeline of testaments to how good and gracious the Lord has been to me in this season. These are just a few that I picked out, one for each month that I've been in this rough season of waiting on the Lord. I pray it can be an encouragement to you, wherever you are at in life, for whatever season you are facing.

[11/15/2011]

"Lord, what is at the end of this? Is it soon? Am I in it right now? What do I need to do to push through? God, I am not asking that You remove this from me, but I ask that You strengthen me in my weakness and guide my decisions. Above all else, Lord, You are my desire, You are my aim. Help me to stay true to this. Amen."

[12/29/2011]

"What am I supposed to do, Lord? I know You're teaching me so much in this time. Patience, faithfulness, commitment, full reliance and trust in You. But, lately I've been feeling more discouraged and defeated than ever before. I am praying that You show me a glimpse of what's next, or what I should do in the next few weeks. I am trying to not let this situation completely take over my life. I still have so much to look forward to and so much to be grateful for. God, help me to not lose sight of those things within all of this. Amen"

[1/9/2012]

"I have a hundred questions and a million different emotions, but Lord, You still have purpose, and still are sovereign in all of this. I need to remind myself of this daily and even at moments - it's literally a moment by moment reminder. But, all in all, I am still seeing You at work. I am just fully trusting in You at this point. God, You have a plan for me in this, I know it."

[2/2/2012]

"Lord, thank You for speaking to me. Even when You speak in whispers, I hear Your voice loudly and it's always an encouragement. God, continue to give me strength and patience in this season of waiting. Teach me to wait and be still. God, when You speak, please allow my heart and spirit to be so confident that it is Your voice speaking to me. Amen."

[3/12/2012]

"God, I know You're healing me, and I want You to know that I am okay with it."

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On January 29th of this year, I was at church, and my heart was so incredibly heavy. I was in the midst of the toughest time of this season of waiting, and I just cried out to God, literally begging for Him to give me something... anything. After service, a girl who I've never met, noticed how much of a utter wreck I was. She handed me a folded up piece of paper and said God told her to give it to me. I opened it up and on the note she had written, "A promise from God: Romans 5:3-5". I went home and read it and underlined it and journaled about it. At the time, I didn't know what the relevance of it was, and now, I can completely see it. So, after crying out to God begging Him to give me something, He definitely gave me something, in fact He gave me more than I could ever ask for.

"We rejoice in our sufferings, 

knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

and endurance produces character, 

and character produces hope, 

and hope does not put us to shame, 

because God's love has been poured into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." 

Romans 5:3-5

Friends, wherever you are at in life, trust that God has you there for a reason. Don't fight against it, but rather surrender into God's plan for your life, because He loves you so much and only wants what is best for you. Trust Him, and know that no matter what He calls you to, it's going to be a battle, a fight - but it's always worth it in the end.

Keep Fighting the Good Fight,

Bren

Healing: A Beautiful Ending

[The first thing I ever painted, Circa Spring 2010
Quote taken from "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"]

Healing: To become healthy or sound again

Wow, Webster nailed it beautifully. 

For the last 2+ years, my heart has been longing for healing, but I never put forth the effort to heal from deep wounds, because frankly, that would have been too painful. I chose to believe the coined phrase "time heals all wounds". I don't know who came up with that theory, but I'd like to meet them, shake their hand and then slap them. It's just not true. Sure, as time passes, things do get easier. But by no means does time heal anything. I am learning now that healing from anything takes diligence, it takes humility, it takes action. It takes living like there is hope that one day you will in fact you'll be healed, and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there. 

For me, this process was supposed to start 2 1/2 years ago, but I chose to avoid it, and you know what they say, if you don't deal with your emotions, they will deal with you. Now that phrase I will choose to believe. You can suppress your heartache all you want, but one day it will surface, and that my friends will not be a pretty day, I can tell you that much. The last 4 months of my life have been by far the most difficult but never have I grown so much, and never have I been so pleased with my personal, spiritual and emotional progress than I am in this time. 

I am finally seeing healing coming to fruition in my life. I started this season off with a certain expectation and mentality that my life would turn out a certain way. Man, I don't know how God puts up with us sometimes. I bet He laughs a lot at our silly ideas and plans. But, the beautiful thing about the Lord is that He knows how we are wired, He of course wired us this way - but more than that, He allows us to experience things in a specific way at a specific time. God sees this big picture that our minuscule minds can't even begin to fathom, and with that He chooses to show us pieces of that picture at certain times. And, sometimes, it seems as if that plan or picture is changing, but really God has it all figured out, and each piece of the picture He reveals to us has its own purpose for that time that we are being exposed to it. Does that make sense? 

I believe I am at the end of my season that I've been speaking of. How, or why, you ask? I was challenged two weeks ago to embrace healing. I wasn't happy to hear that challenge, but it was something I knew I needed to do. How do you heal? Like, logistically, I don't really know. Remember healing is not my forte. I've found that it's about releasing those thoughts and emotions that hold you back from fully healing to God - in those moments, and saying, "God, I release this to you". Yes, that easy. But it becomes a prayer that you will find yourself saying all-day-long, and that is painful. It's almost as if you are releasing something that has been a part of you for so long. And, with that, pray for healing. I've seen God do some miraculous work within my heart these last two weeks, I really am in awe. For four months, I have had a certain mentality and now, all of the sudden healing is occurring. 

I am not naive to think it's going to be easy from here on out, and that I won't have my moments. But, God is so completely sovereign in my life right now, and truly has been through this season that I know He is ready for me to be healed, as am I. I really feel alive again, and it's been awesome because other people have been noticing it too.

I am honored that God has spoken to me in this season, because it's all a testament to His love and mercy. I know that He has allowed me to experience this because it will one day speak to someone else. And for that, I have found purpose.

This is not my story, this is God's Story

of redemption, grace & new beginnings. 

How Much Longer?

Do you ever wonder why God allows you to go through such difficult seasons? Ever look up at the sky as you're driving and say, "Okay God. I get it now. I've learned everything You've wanted to teach me. Now, can You please remove this from me?"

I ask because, I'd like to think I am not the only one who does this.


Let me give you a little background information on my life as a believer.

I became a Christian when I was 12, and completely dove right into the faith. I wanted to know everything, I wanted to be involved with every ministry; I was young but so eager to learn. All throughout my teens and early adulthood, I continued with my faith, and it only became stronger & stronger. Looking back on those years, I can truly see how God protected me, guided me and blessed me so much. But, I always knew there was still more to learn, more to experience.

The last 2 1/2 years of my life have been like the world's longest rollercoaster, filled with twirlies, ups & downs, flips and bumps. I can confidently say that these last couple of years have been the most difficult of my entire life. There are many things I wish I would have done differently. And, I can look back and see where God was that entire time, and how He was trying to tell me things, but I would refuse to listen, and when I did listen, I didn't always obey Him. It was rough, and it was a battle.

Here I am now, and I can confidently say that I've never been this close to God. The interesting part is that my life is not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact, it's still difficult, but now that I am consistently walking and trusting in God's will for my life, it is a lot easier to persevere.

Now, back to my initial question. I think I just want to know that I am not alone in this. That there are other people out there that ask God the same questions. I don't want to be that person who smiles and says everything is okay, when really that is the farthest thing from the truth. I don't want to just go through the motions of life anymore, like I used to. I want to look at my battle and face it, head on. I spent so many years dancing around it, and searching for the quickest way to get over it, or cover it up. I don't want that anymore, because frankly, it sucks. It's damaging, and it really isn't worth it.

So, I've changed, a lot and for the better. I am proud, and I am so glad that I am finally here in this place. But, still. I find myself more often than not, asking God these tough questions. "Why? What? When? How long?" and I don't ask them in a calm voice, with an at ease heart. No. I usually scream them in my car, with tears streaming down my face and my heart racing faster than what my body can probably handle. This is something I used to refrain from doing, because I was always taught that we are to respect God, and have reverence for His Holiness. I completely agree and believe that to be true - however, I believe these "freak out moments" please God, because I am honest with Him. God does not want us to clean ourselves up before we come talk to Him. He wants our honest hearts, just the way they are. Because, it shows that we trust Him enough to be vulnerable. 

So, maybe I am alone in this. But, I hope I'm not.

Surrender & Wait

"Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, 

and He says we must not think about these things so as to make them the one concern of our life. 

Whenever there is competition, be sure that you put your relationship to God first."

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

----

My mentor, Sarah, and I have committed to reading through Oswald Chamber's My Utmost For His Highest everyday, and it has been such an encouragement to me. Today's reading was just what I needed. I logically comprehend that Jesus knows what I am going through, and He knows how this will all end. But, reading today's devotion reminded me, in my heart and soul, that He truly understands and feels with me as I am going through this. God knows best, because He knows all. He sees in all directions, so what a fool I'd be to want to have control over any area of my life.

So, here I am again, Dear Lord.

I surrender all to You. You know what is best for me, 

& You know my circumstance better than I could ever know. 

My desire is Your will above mine, always.

----

Surrender.
It's such a painful word, isn't it? I mean really, letting go of anything is never easy, because that very thing we are letting go is usually something we love, take pride in, enjoy, the list goes on...
For me, surrendering this means that I am trusting wholeheartedly that God's perfect plan for my life will be done. I do not want to get in the way of what God is doing, so I will surrender, release, let go and let God.

Surrender & Wait. 

Surrender & Wait. 

[repeat]

Dreams

Last week during our small group meeting, I left being motivated to pray over my dreams and record them for the entire week.

This is something I've never done, and to be honest, I've never even thought about doing. Sure, I have had certain dreams that really stood out to me and led me to write them down. But this time it was different. Every night, I would pray before I went to sleep and ask the Lord to both protect my dreams and also to open up my dreams as a platform for Him to speak to me. The first few times I did it, I felt a little funny, not because I was uncomfortable or not confident that God could truly speak to me through my dreams, but because it was just something out of 'the norm' for me.

The morning after my first time doing this, I was amazed that I not only remembered my dreams from the night before, but I remembered them in full detail. This is huge, because I rarely even ever recall my dreams. So, before I could forget, I wrote them down. I am not sure if they held any significance, but the fact that I was able to remember them, made me so excited! So for the next week, I did this (almost) everyday.

I really want to make a strong habit of doing this. What a beautiful way for our God to speak to us! I am not doing this with the expectation that God is going to speak something profound to me in every dream, but it's awesome to be open to Him in that way.

It's already been neat to read through my dream journal and see the little and big things that God is doing in my life.

"For God speaks in one way, and in two, though man does not perceive it.

In a dream, in a vision of the night,
when deep sleep falls on men, while they slumber on their beds."
Job 33:14-15 

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Do you have a dream journal? Or, have you ever felt God speak to you through your dreams?