Thursday, February 23, 2012

How Much Longer?

Do you ever wonder why God allows you to go through such difficult seasons? Ever look up at the sky as you're driving and say, "Okay God. I get it now. I've learned everything You've wanted to teach me. Now, can You please remove this from me?"

I ask because, I'd like to think I am not the only one who does this.


Let me give you a little background information on my life as a believer.

I became a Christian when I was 12, and completely dove right into the faith. I wanted to know everything, I wanted to be involved with every ministry; I was young but so eager to learn. All throughout my teens and early adulthood, I continued with my faith, and it only became stronger & stronger. Looking back on those years, I can truly see how God protected me, guided me and blessed me so much. But, I always knew there was still more to learn, more to experience.

The last 2 1/2 years of my life have been like the world's longest rollercoaster, filled with twirlies, ups & downs, flips and bumps. I can confidently say that these last couple of years have been the most difficult of my entire life. There are many things I wish I would have done differently. And, I can look back and see where God was that entire time, and how He was trying to tell me things, but I would refuse to listen, and when I did listen, I didn't always obey Him. It was rough, and it was a battle.

Here I am now, and I can confidently say that I've never been this close to God. The interesting part is that my life is not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact, it's still difficult, but now that I am consistently walking and trusting in God's will for my life, it is a lot easier to persevere.

Now, back to my initial question. I think I just want to know that I am not alone in this. That there are other people out there that ask God the same questions. I don't want to be that person who smiles and says everything is okay, when really that is the farthest thing from the truth. I don't want to just go through the motions of life anymore, like I used to. I want to look at my battle and face it, head on. I spent so many years dancing around it, and searching for the quickest way to get over it, or cover it up. I don't want that anymore, because frankly, it sucks. It's damaging, and it really isn't worth it.

So, I've changed, a lot and for the better. I am proud, and I am so glad that I am finally here in this place. But, still. I find myself more often than not, asking God these tough questions. "Why? What? When? How long?" and I don't ask them in a calm voice, with an at ease heart. No. I usually scream them in my car, with tears streaming down my face and my heart racing faster than what my body can probably handle. This is something I used to refrain from doing, because I was always taught that we are to respect God, and have reverence for His Holiness. I completely agree and believe that to be true - however, I believe these "freak out moments" please God, because I am honest with Him. God does not want us to clean ourselves up before we come talk to Him. He wants our honest hearts, just the way they are. Because, it shows that we trust Him enough to be vulnerable. 

So, maybe I am alone in this. But, I hope I'm not.

15 comments:

  1. Not at all... you aren't alone. Every now and again, I ask God also, I try to not let my impatient heart unbecoming before God, but there I find myself unravelling seeking His sustaining breath.

    A few months ago, a group of my friends and I read through Genesis (We're going through each book of the gospel), and something about God struck me. When God made the world, he didn't leave it in a stagnant state. He did not make an unchanging earth. I think this growth and change is glorifying to Him.

    You're not in a stagnant, unmoving state, seems like His spirit is moving through you like a stream. So keep fighting, keep seeking, keep adventuring to the God who loves you!

    Blessings!

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    1. Aaron,

      Thanks so much for your response. I love that image that you said about Creation. It's so true!

      Be well,
      Brenda

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  2. You're not alone! God knows me as the kid that definitely throws tantrums and yells in His face. I used to think it was because I didn't fear God or have enough reference. And one day in my fit I began to laugh. I laughed so hard I found myself on my floor in a different kind of tears. He spoke and said "You're so honest." I believe it's like you said, He's pleased I was just myself and genuine and I didn't hide. Keep being real, keep being raw. If you can only do it for one person, ALWAYS do it for Jesus. He will draw near.

    I love you Bren Bear! You inspire me in so many ways!

    -Kyla

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    1. Kyla,

      Thanks girl, I love that you commented! Your words are very encouraging to me, so I appreciate it. I totally trust in God's will for my season right now, I just need to keep persevering through this.

      xoxo
      Bren

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  3. Girl I think I've said, "okay God I've learned my lesson. Can I please...." like 10 times in the last month. It's a daily battle in wanting to move forward but being told to wait patiently by God. Your patience gives me so much hope. I love you!!

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    1. Thanks love. It's crazy, God knows our hearts to their core, but there is something profound about us, as His children, laying our hearts honestly before Him. Sometimes that honesty might look quiet and calm, while other times it may look like a scream and crying fit. Either way, it's a blessing to know God is next to us through both times.

      xoxo
      Bren

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  4. Brenda, I started tearing up because I have also asked a similar questions to God. This past couple months have been some of the most difficult ones. You are not alone. Keep on praying, keep on fighting, keep on being patient. Our God is a wonderful one!

    Love,
    Paloma Franco

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    1. Paloma,

      I am so blessed that this touched you. That is the reason I write - so that the experiences I face may help or encourage another person. God is definitely at work, in my life, and in yours! Keep seeking Him for sure, and I will do the same <3

      xoxo
      Bren

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  5. Hi, i'm a new reader, love your blog so far!
    You are absolutely not alone! I've yelled and cried and been angry with Him. God will lead the way, we just have to be patient. A couple of weeks ago I was praying about life, my direction, etc and God gave me Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. He has plans for us, and His presence is constantly with us!

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    1. Hi Bianca!

      Nice to meet you :) Just out of curiosity, how did you stumble upon my blog? (I always like to know!)

      Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I love that verse in Jeremiah, it's such a testament to just how much God loves us, and wants only the best for our lives. I have to remind myself daily of this, and that His will and plan is far greater than anything I could ever come up with on my own.

      I will start following you too!

      xoxo
      Bren

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  6. Hi, nice to meet you too! I came across your blog from the Tattoo Tuesday posts on Sometimes Sweet - I was going back over the older posts!
    It's definitely something we have to keep reminding ourselves, but you're right - His plan is definitely far greater!
    Thanks for following me back! I've only just started blogging so it's a bit upsy turvy until I find my blogging feet!

    XO Bianca

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  7. oh girl, you are definitely not alone in this. you are not the only one. sometimes there is just no pretty and clean way to go to God; even if we tried, He totally know our hearts and where we really are. there's just no putting on a face for Him. and nor should we.

    i may not know all the details of what you are going through, but i know rough patches. i, too, have been experiencing the hardest months of my life...hardest year, actually. and i have been so frustrated and at times really angry. there are moments when i am able to see the work He is doing, be at peace, and be thankful - but let's be honest, that is not the place i sit in. so then my options are to ignore Him and wait until i am calm and collected, or be with Him in the moment. i think you are completely right when you say that He is pleased with our honesty.

    i think that is easy to forget though. thanks for being real and sharing your heart - i know it encourages me, and i think it will encourage many others too. not the fact that you are struggling, but how you are choosing to handle it.

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    1. Kalie,
      Thanks for your comment, it was really encouraging :) Just knowing I am not the only one who thinks or feels this way from time to time helps me to keep pushing on. It's my hope that through my struggles, God can use me to help others. And, hey, that could be the very reason why I am going through this hard season, so I better learn all there is to learn!

      xoxo

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  8. Bren - I think we are soulmates. I am feeling the exact same way. this make me want to buy a plane ticket to LA this summer.....God I seriously need to see you and talk to you for hours.
    miss you and love you so dag on much

    (you are not alone in this)

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    1. I just love you, like for reals.

      Are you in PA or CO now? I can't keep uppp!!

      Thanks for letting me know I am not alone, it encourages me so much. Life is not promised to be easy, but God promises that we will never walk through this alone, and it's just good to know I am not crazy haha.

      XOXO

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